ArchangelX
02-15-2006, 12:02 PM
The Offical HT Chuck Norris Facts thread
Add yours here...
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Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
Ancient chinese tradition tells of a man who would rise to become great and powerful, and removed evil from the land. Chuck Norris is not this man, chuck norris killed this man.
God created man, Chuck Norris gave him the idea.
In an average room there are 1,274 things that Chuck Norris can use to kill you including the room itself.
Chuck Norris eats babies and shits Delta Force team members.
Chuck Norris' beard is about 30 seconds older than he is.
The only reason World War II occured was because Chuck Norris was taking a nap.
Contrary to popular belief Chuck Norris and Jesus are not the same person. Chuck Norris would never let some candy-ass Romans kill him.
Chuck Norris knows the absolute value of pi. He claims the last digit of it is the number of times he has blinked.
Chuck Norris invented McDonalds for the sole purpose of becoming stronger. Almost daily he goes to there to practice round house kicking fat people in the face
Chuck Norris actually invented peanut butter, but while in transit to the patent office, George Washington Carver knocked him unconscious with the aid of chloroform and stole his patent. For revenge, Chuck Norris threw 7 freight trains on top of George Washington Carver. He died from this.
Chuck Norris made a sequel to Pretty Woman, in which he repeatedly roundhouse kicks Julia Roberts in the face for 90 minutes. He ends with the line "Not so pretty now, are ya BEEEEYATCH!!!"
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris is Darth Vader's father.
Chuck Norris can make the Kessel Run in less than 10 parsecs.
Chuck Norris is on a mission, That mission is to rename the "White House" to "Round House" and kick the crap out of terrorisim.
In 1994, a film was made in Japan entitled Godzilla vs. Chuck Norris. It depicted a fight between the two, in which Chuck Norris made Godzilla tap out like a *!@$%^&()*!@$%^&()*!@$%^&()*!@$%^&()*!@$%^&(). The producers, not wanting their most marketable character to be owned in this fashion, did not release the film. After roundhouse kicking their heads off, Chuck Norris used their ribs to comb his beard.
Chuck Norris can hear dog whistles. He can also bend them with his mind.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a *!@$%^&()*!@$%^&()*!@$%^&()*!@$%^&()ing Indian.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris has a Wrangler belt in karate.
Chuck Norris thinks trucker hats are for douche bags... and truckers.
The only child ever to survive a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris was Gary Colman. He has not grown since.
Everytime a child laughs, Chuck Norris kills a bad guy.
A man compared Chuck Norris to Jean-Claude Van Damme once. Once.
If there was such thing as a Chuck Norris doll you can be certain Pinocchio would stop his *!@$%^&()*!@$%^&()*!@$%^&()*!@$%^&()ing lying.
Chuck Norris does not shave with a conventional razor, he simply coats his head in blood and dips his face into a shark tank.
Chuck Norris draws more blood than the Red Cross
When Chuck Norris looks at the sun, the sun looks away.
Chuck Norris killed Dumbledore.
Chuck Norris solved the Bermuda Triangle by using the Pythagorean Theorem.
Chuck Norris's kisses taste like candy. Candy and roundhouses.
Chuck Norris invented the spork.
Chuck Norris once flew through space, on that trip he got so pissed off that he roundhouse kicked 3 stars. Every time Chuck Norris does this we call it a Supernova.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, it shatters because it is scared shitless.
Chuck Norris once was shot and killed in a fatality scene. Unlike Brandon Lee he revived himself and drop kicked the shooter.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a guy so hard that all of his ancestors were completely wiped out of existence, thus rendering the subject of the kick non-existent. This ended the universe as we know it until Chuck's beard began it all anew.
Chuck Norris caused the 80's band Genesis to break up. Not because of artistic differences, but because Chuck Norris demanded that one member of the band follow him around at all times to perform live theme music for his daily life. Phil Collins provides personal favorites "I can't dance" and "One more night" for Norris' workouts and a personal montage for trying on funny hats and tank tops. Also, all roundhouse kicks to the face are emphasized with an emphatic "SSussudiO!!!!" Meanwhile, Peter Gabriel croons the Chuck and the ladies to Chuck's personal love-making tune, "Sledgehammer".
Chuck Norris once took sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Chuck Norris never has to wait in line at the DMV.
Chuck Norris' buddy icon is a picture of Tony Danza fellating himself.
If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar
Chuck Norris is a master at Dance Dance Revolution. If you play him and lose, he roundhouse kicks you in the face which somehow breaks your legs.
Chuck Norris made the first oak tree by planting one of his arm hairs.
When the Earth was first formed a solitary Chuck Norris roamed it. He found the largest rock he could and roundhoused it. This rock is now called the moon. Chuck Norris then jacked off into the ocean and spawned life.
There is a 100% chance that Chuck Norris is your father.
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever beat Kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest. Chuck Norris won by picking up the whole table of hot dogs and eating them all in one bite, leaving none for his competition. To help the hot dogs go down easier, he ate the 400 pound fat guy next to him. Chuck Norris was then banned from eating hot dogs or fat people ever again.
When Chuck Norris has a good idea he kicks over a forklift carrying a pallet of light bulbs.
Scientists from 50 different countries tried to measure the speed of Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. They will be missed.
If you loudly chant the incantation "Chuck Norris" ten times in a dark room, all of your friends will simaltaneously and instantly be decapitated.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
The idea for the show "24" is actually stolen from a drawing Chuck Norris made when he was drunk.
Chuck Norris puts the 'I' in 'Team'
Chuck Norris made and sold 100 WWCND(What Would Chuck Norris Do) bracelets as a prototype for an extensive clothing line incorporating the same anagram, but the clothing line was shut down when all 100 buyers of the bracelet were executed on death row for murdering people with roundhouse kicks to the skull.
Recently historians discovered an additional book of the bible, there is now Mark, Mathew, Luke, John, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can smell carbon monoxide.
Chuck Norris invented the Internet; not Al Gore. In fact, he got a roundhouse kick in the testicles for saying that he did.
A little boy once dressed up as Chuck Norris for Halloween. When he rang Chuck Norris' doorbell, Chuck Norris was so excited that he gave the boy the whole bowl of candy. Two seconds later he roundhouse kicked the boy in the face and took it back.
Where the Grand Canyon lies today was where Chuck Norris first attempted a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris does not need a passport. Chuck Norris exists in all 24 time zones simultaneously
Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is. He impregnated her with one swift punch to the ovaries, and she bore him a child. We know him as Superman.
What Kayne West forgot to tell you is Chuck Norris also does not care about black people. He does not care about white people, Asians or Hispanics. In fact all Chuck Norris cares about is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris snorts anthrax.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris isnt hung like a horse, a horse is hung like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris made Waldo dissappear.
Add yours here...
http://www.theforumlounge.com/d/9935-2/walkertexasranger.gif
Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
Ancient chinese tradition tells of a man who would rise to become great and powerful, and removed evil from the land. Chuck Norris is not this man, chuck norris killed this man.
God created man, Chuck Norris gave him the idea.
In an average room there are 1,274 things that Chuck Norris can use to kill you including the room itself.
Chuck Norris eats babies and shits Delta Force team members.
Chuck Norris' beard is about 30 seconds older than he is.
The only reason World War II occured was because Chuck Norris was taking a nap.
Contrary to popular belief Chuck Norris and Jesus are not the same person. Chuck Norris would never let some candy-ass Romans kill him.
Chuck Norris knows the absolute value of pi. He claims the last digit of it is the number of times he has blinked.
Chuck Norris invented McDonalds for the sole purpose of becoming stronger. Almost daily he goes to there to practice round house kicking fat people in the face
Chuck Norris actually invented peanut butter, but while in transit to the patent office, George Washington Carver knocked him unconscious with the aid of chloroform and stole his patent. For revenge, Chuck Norris threw 7 freight trains on top of George Washington Carver. He died from this.
Chuck Norris made a sequel to Pretty Woman, in which he repeatedly roundhouse kicks Julia Roberts in the face for 90 minutes. He ends with the line "Not so pretty now, are ya BEEEEYATCH!!!"
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris is Darth Vader's father.
Chuck Norris can make the Kessel Run in less than 10 parsecs.
Chuck Norris is on a mission, That mission is to rename the "White House" to "Round House" and kick the crap out of terrorisim.
In 1994, a film was made in Japan entitled Godzilla vs. Chuck Norris. It depicted a fight between the two, in which Chuck Norris made Godzilla tap out like a *!@$%^&()*!@$%^&()*!@$%^&()*!@$%^&()*!@$%^&(). The producers, not wanting their most marketable character to be owned in this fashion, did not release the film. After roundhouse kicking their heads off, Chuck Norris used their ribs to comb his beard.
Chuck Norris can hear dog whistles. He can also bend them with his mind.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a *!@$%^&()*!@$%^&()*!@$%^&()*!@$%^&()ing Indian.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris has a Wrangler belt in karate.
Chuck Norris thinks trucker hats are for douche bags... and truckers.
The only child ever to survive a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris was Gary Colman. He has not grown since.
Everytime a child laughs, Chuck Norris kills a bad guy.
A man compared Chuck Norris to Jean-Claude Van Damme once. Once.
If there was such thing as a Chuck Norris doll you can be certain Pinocchio would stop his *!@$%^&()*!@$%^&()*!@$%^&()*!@$%^&()ing lying.
Chuck Norris does not shave with a conventional razor, he simply coats his head in blood and dips his face into a shark tank.
Chuck Norris draws more blood than the Red Cross
When Chuck Norris looks at the sun, the sun looks away.
Chuck Norris killed Dumbledore.
Chuck Norris solved the Bermuda Triangle by using the Pythagorean Theorem.
Chuck Norris's kisses taste like candy. Candy and roundhouses.
Chuck Norris invented the spork.
Chuck Norris once flew through space, on that trip he got so pissed off that he roundhouse kicked 3 stars. Every time Chuck Norris does this we call it a Supernova.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, it shatters because it is scared shitless.
Chuck Norris once was shot and killed in a fatality scene. Unlike Brandon Lee he revived himself and drop kicked the shooter.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a guy so hard that all of his ancestors were completely wiped out of existence, thus rendering the subject of the kick non-existent. This ended the universe as we know it until Chuck's beard began it all anew.
Chuck Norris caused the 80's band Genesis to break up. Not because of artistic differences, but because Chuck Norris demanded that one member of the band follow him around at all times to perform live theme music for his daily life. Phil Collins provides personal favorites "I can't dance" and "One more night" for Norris' workouts and a personal montage for trying on funny hats and tank tops. Also, all roundhouse kicks to the face are emphasized with an emphatic "SSussudiO!!!!" Meanwhile, Peter Gabriel croons the Chuck and the ladies to Chuck's personal love-making tune, "Sledgehammer".
Chuck Norris once took sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Chuck Norris never has to wait in line at the DMV.
Chuck Norris' buddy icon is a picture of Tony Danza fellating himself.
If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar
Chuck Norris is a master at Dance Dance Revolution. If you play him and lose, he roundhouse kicks you in the face which somehow breaks your legs.
Chuck Norris made the first oak tree by planting one of his arm hairs.
When the Earth was first formed a solitary Chuck Norris roamed it. He found the largest rock he could and roundhoused it. This rock is now called the moon. Chuck Norris then jacked off into the ocean and spawned life.
There is a 100% chance that Chuck Norris is your father.
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever beat Kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest. Chuck Norris won by picking up the whole table of hot dogs and eating them all in one bite, leaving none for his competition. To help the hot dogs go down easier, he ate the 400 pound fat guy next to him. Chuck Norris was then banned from eating hot dogs or fat people ever again.
When Chuck Norris has a good idea he kicks over a forklift carrying a pallet of light bulbs.
Scientists from 50 different countries tried to measure the speed of Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. They will be missed.
If you loudly chant the incantation "Chuck Norris" ten times in a dark room, all of your friends will simaltaneously and instantly be decapitated.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
The idea for the show "24" is actually stolen from a drawing Chuck Norris made when he was drunk.
Chuck Norris puts the 'I' in 'Team'
Chuck Norris made and sold 100 WWCND(What Would Chuck Norris Do) bracelets as a prototype for an extensive clothing line incorporating the same anagram, but the clothing line was shut down when all 100 buyers of the bracelet were executed on death row for murdering people with roundhouse kicks to the skull.
Recently historians discovered an additional book of the bible, there is now Mark, Mathew, Luke, John, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can smell carbon monoxide.
Chuck Norris invented the Internet; not Al Gore. In fact, he got a roundhouse kick in the testicles for saying that he did.
A little boy once dressed up as Chuck Norris for Halloween. When he rang Chuck Norris' doorbell, Chuck Norris was so excited that he gave the boy the whole bowl of candy. Two seconds later he roundhouse kicked the boy in the face and took it back.
Where the Grand Canyon lies today was where Chuck Norris first attempted a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris does not need a passport. Chuck Norris exists in all 24 time zones simultaneously
Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is. He impregnated her with one swift punch to the ovaries, and she bore him a child. We know him as Superman.
What Kayne West forgot to tell you is Chuck Norris also does not care about black people. He does not care about white people, Asians or Hispanics. In fact all Chuck Norris cares about is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris snorts anthrax.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris isnt hung like a horse, a horse is hung like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris made Waldo dissappear.